Saturday, October 3, 2015

Blurry Eyes of Mine

I just happened to clean up my room in the last three weeks ago and I found some old pictures of me, my friends and family. Some of the beloved people are already gone. It’s very nostalgic, how simple my life used to be.

My eyes used to be full of wonders and dreams until I realized it is hard to fit in into grown-up world. In order to survive, I change a lot. I was a different girl back then, I remembered it.

The people I know were different years ago.

There are friends in that snapshots who are presently married, had kids, some of them I have never seen in ages like my study buddy, Sheena. In certain photos, there are places that I have never gone back since I last visited them when I was a kid. There are places that are no longer existed. I saw a picture of my favorite Maths and English teacher during my school days whose lives were taken by serious diseases. I found a photo of the people whom my family love to hang out with a long time ago, and I don’t know if they are still alive today, where did they go?

And then there’s an album with my ex’s photos in it and tons of our pictures together in our early years of knowing each other. It is the only album I threw away for some reasons.

I saw one picture that reminds me of friendship. It is the one and only photo of my late best friend who was a cancer patient; with me in our class.

My other best friend always says I’ve never change; both of us are still the same person. Well, maybe because we are still playful and acting like a child whenever we spend our times together.

But no, we’ll never be the same. We’ll change eventually whether we like it or not.

There are photos of younger Mom; holding me and my sister when we are very little. Now both of her daughters are choosing their own paths. How many wrinkles have been shown on Mom’s face? Mom’s is not healthy anymore like when we were kids. How much money did Mom spend on us? Did we turn out to be a good child just like she raised us?

Seeing all the pictures, I became so afraid. Afraid of all the changes that have occurred. Who was I? Am I better or worse now?

When I was a kid I never think ahead, I just do what I do. I started my rebellious teenager’s phase and hoping that I could grow up quick. Now I really want to go back in time. I’m weak; never satisfied. I felt so wrong.

‘”Don’t you ever think about it for once in a while? How fast time catches you up. A blink of the eyes and suddenly nothing stays the same. Everything happens so fast!”

Then, it hits me.

I may have lost some people I loved but God met me up with new persons to stay in my present life or maybe in my future. As I grow up, I forget a lot of small things that used to matter the most to me. Nevertheless I shouldn’t stop smiling. Things that bring happiness to me today are different than once I was a kid; this is life.

"Although it is not as simple as you think when you are an innocent child, you have to keep moving forward. Without losing anything, you can’t gain anything either..", as I whispered these words to myself, I slowly put all the photos back into the drawer, while thinking that I should love myself more in order to love my past, present and future.