Blurry Eyes of Mine

I just happened to clean up my room in the last three weeks ago and I found some old pictures of me, my friends and family. Some of the beloved people are already gone. It’s very nostalgic, how simple my life used to be.

My eyes used to be full of wonders and dreams until I realized it is hard to fit in into grown-up world. In order to survive, I change a lot. I was a different girl back then, I remembered it.

The people I know were different years ago.

There are friends in that snapshots who are presently married, had kids, some of them I have never seen in ages like my study buddy, Sheena. In certain photos, there are places that I have never gone back since I last visited them when I was a kid. There are places that are no longer existed. I saw a picture of my favorite Maths and English teacher during my school days whose lives were taken by serious diseases. I found a photo of the people whom my family love to hang out with a long time ago, and I don’t know if they are still alive today, where did they go?

And then there’s an album with my ex’s photos in it and tons of our pictures together in our early years of knowing each other. It is the only album I threw away for some reasons.

I saw one picture that reminds me of friendship. It is the one and only photo of my late best friend who was a cancer patient; with me in our class.

My other best friend always says I’ve never change; both of us are still the same person. Well, maybe because we are still playful and acting like a child whenever we spend our times together.

But no, we’ll never be the same. We’ll change eventually whether we like it or not.

There are photos of younger Mom; holding me and my sister when we are very little. Now both of her daughters are choosing their own paths. How many wrinkles have been shown on Mom’s face? Mom’s is not healthy anymore like when we were kids. How much money did Mom spend on us? Did we turn out to be a good child just like she raised us?

Seeing all the pictures, I became so afraid. Afraid of all the changes that have occurred. Who was I? Am I better or worse now?

When I was a kid I never think ahead, I just do what I do. I started my rebellious teenager’s phase and hoping that I could grow up quick. Now I really want to go back in time. I’m weak; never satisfied. I felt so wrong.

‘”Don’t you ever think about it for once in a while? How fast time catches you up. A blink of the eyes and suddenly nothing stays the same. Everything happens so fast!”

Then, it hits me.

I may have lost some people I loved but God met me up with new persons to stay in my present life or maybe in my future. As I grow up, I forget a lot of small things that used to matter the most to me. Nevertheless I shouldn’t stop smiling. Things that bring happiness to me today are different than once I was a kid; this is life.

"Although it is not as simple as you think when you are an innocent child, you have to keep moving forward. Without losing anything, you can’t gain anything either..", as I whispered these words to myself, I slowly put all the photos back into the drawer, while thinking that I should love myself more in order to love my past, present and future.

The Mousedeer and The Crocodile

When I was a child, Mom used to read bedtime stories to me and my elder sister. We love them so much. As we became independent readers, we read them on our own. We kept reading the same old stories – folklores from Malaysia and all countries across the world. One of the most famous folklore story books (and also our favorite) is “Sang Kancil dan Sang Buaya” which translated as “The Mousedeer and The Crocodile”. I was so little that time and easily felt sorry for Kancil. I cursed the crocodile for being so bad; he wants to eat Kancil! Fortunately, Kancil save himself by lying to the crocodile and his carnivore friends.

It has been years since I last read the book. Recently I finally got the chance to meet the childhood friend again. Only this time, I’m no longer an innocent child who read books just for fun. With the knowledge I gained, the experiences I’ve been through; I started to think…crocodile is not evil at all. He was meant to eat meats. God created the river beast that way. The real antagonist is in fact our beloved Kancil. He is a liar. He made himself to look like the victim. He has made me care about him! – as a kid of course. Whoa…what a crime.

Then something crossed my mind; the story is actually a reflection of one of the ugliest behaviors possessed by us; the human beings.

A simple explanation or could I say example that can be taken from me myself is; there was a time when I was driving with Mom and suddenly we got lost in the middle of a busy road in Kuala Lumpur. Feeling exhausted and irritated; I failed to control my emotions – causing them to burst onto the wrong person. Yup, my Mom. I put the fault on her. Of course it was not her mistake; it is me who follow the wrong instructions from our car's GPS. I am not the victim of the situation. I acted like one.

Just like Kancil, we tend to see ourselves as victims of certain situations. Why? For some people, they need attentions, the more the better. While others, they want to stay away from the reality. These kinds of people hold variety of reasons. That is why we are full of hatred; we wronged our parents; we created false statements as in fitnah; we put the faults on others. And to those who didn’t realize it yet; they posted on the wall of their Facebook so they could get more supporters who would feel sorry for them; be with them.

No. It has gone too far. There’s too much exaggeration for a simple thing. Why don’t we come to our senses and attend more to other people’s feelings instead of ours. Sometimes we are the predators, not them. We just have to accept the truth.


P/S: Maybe we should listen and learn from the famous song by Akon; "Sorry Blame It On Me"